if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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