Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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