So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
