i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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