If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
