I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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