So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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