Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
