Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
