I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Yo dont text me then not text me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
40s are totally the cure
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
