Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
