I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
