Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
