Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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