She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
