gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
