i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
