ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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