I think I died a long time ago.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
