if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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