I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
