i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
