I accidentally burped into my bong.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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