It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
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I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it's like iHOP with fire
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
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i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
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