He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
