dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
