I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
