Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
