I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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