she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
