I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
