Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
