Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
