I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
