apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
