Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
