I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
