Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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