My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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