so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
