I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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