No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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