I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
