Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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