Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
