remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
