I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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