I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
