Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
