i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
