I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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