still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
