shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
