How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just sent this text using only my big toe
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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