How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
