my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
