Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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